asphyxiating befuddlement

my life is made up from many... i don't have a word for it. imagine a ray of light, going thru a prism, so that one ray is split into many other rays, with different colors each, forming their own angles. imagine wat i just illustrated, as tho u are watching a video. now, press the 'rewind' button. so instead u see the many rays are going into the prism, forming that one single ray.

as a young boy, i excelled at drawing. my art pieces were always put up in school. i was selected to represent school and even bagged prizes. my favourite was with crayons. i drew transformers and he-man and sold them to frens. but mum wanted me to be like my brother, good in maths and english. more practical, apparently.

when i was not-a-so-young-boy, i began to like maths. life was simple. there is always solutions to problems. i wasn't into reading like my brother. he read hardy boys and nancy drew stuffs. but i remember reading all of jules vernes and roald dahl. cos these are the only two authors which took my fancy then. i adore jules vernes. rockets, submarines, hot air balloons etc will not exist without him. his imagination is really wild.

and then i forgot how to draw. i can't even draw a dog which looks like one now.

and being good in maths, i took C maths in college. without A maths in high school. and i suffered. i crippled, i don't even have a crutch to balance on. then i hated maths.

so, i switched to commerce. the only other thing i was good at was accounting. but i don't like accounts. it's so meticulous. it's made me feel fettered. and i also took malay literature. and then i tot literature was for me. i attempted the poetry questions in exams. my teacher told me that's my strength, for i could detached myself into poems. i knew how to detect similes, metaphors, aliterations, hyperbole and stuffs. but i didn't excel for my A'levels, even my teacher was surprised. humanities tot me sumthing in life. life is not like maths. ur interpretations may not be parallel to the markers' sentiments. and in life, someone will always 'mark' your works.

and now as a young-adult, i'm studying business. i took it up cos it's like management. it's general. i don't want to specialise into banking, accounts, or econs. cos corporate words like "downsizing" & "mergers" makes me think that specialising is precarious. and i know nuts about computers, so that is out. thus here i am, a 'jack of all trades, master of none.'

into my final year, i'm feeling lost. where next? the rays that are merging into one is forming, but where is it directed at?